you break me down

[sarafinamable]

fingers sore from these keyboards
and heart is sore from reading your words
theres nothing worse than the glowing truth
sent boldy through open cyberspace
the shock is mostly my moist face and furrowed brow
the hurt is mostly locked within myself
because this icon cares not if i scream and yell

if i rant and rave
if i throw my fists
if it fall to the floor

sleepless nights and wasted days because this world
is not accepting of my spontaneous feelings

crying in "our"deli
sauntering down "our" street
sleeping in "our" park

mind is drowning in cliche's
bodies curling up alone
not ready for the pain it takes to face the world without you
when that was all i knew
when there is nothing left
and i cannot run to you
so all i want

is to scream and yell
and rant and rave
and throw my fists
and fall to the floor

because this god damned icon doesn't care
i don't even know why you put it there to stare me in the face and break me down





------------------
"this is life not heaven, you don't have to be perfect."
Gia
"Our love was comfortable and so broken in"
John Mayer
http://www.onemoredrink.moonfruit.com
First Name Basis is a great, little known band (so far), check out their website

[Hannibal]

I like this... it was... I don't really know, so I'm just gonna leave it as, I like it.

------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[sarafinamable]

thanks, i'm glad you liked it. i was sort of thinking that it was alittle to cliche. but kinda twisted too, i guess.

------------------
"this is life not heaven, you don't have to be perfect."
Gia
"Our love was comfortable and so broken in"
John Mayer
http://www.onemoredrink.moonfruit.com
First Name Basis is a great, little known band (so far), check out their website

[Generalkaos]

the "our" stanza is the only one I really like. There are flashes of brilliance else where, though, as in "the shock is mostly..." I need more of that. Lines like "I want to scream and shout" hold no information or emotional connection for me. So you want to scream and yell. What about it. Here is something I think we could all stand to remember: your poem is only as good as its worst line. If you can create a stanza like the "our" stanza, you can raise the rest of the poem to that level.

------------------
Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[Hannibal]

Came back, second reading, third reading time
Might I say, I adore the last line.
I just really dig it.
I kind of agree with sar, on the point of the "our" stanza... I can see where your coming from General, but I think the poem would've been a much different one had it centered around an Idea such as that stanza represents... just my .02.


Also, sarafin, I take it you have some sort of messanger?
if you or anyones' bored...
MSN - [email protected]
AOL - ExuBiuS
Yahoo - ask...
ICQ - 30444948


------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[sarafinamable]

funny that that is the only stanza that you liked, that is the one that i don't like. the one that feels like such a blaring cliche. i wasn't even sure if i was going to keep it in.

------------------
"this is life not heaven, you don't have to be perfect."
Gia
"Our love was comfortable and so broken in"
John Mayer
http://www.onemoredrink.moonfruit.com
First Name Basis is a great, little known band (so far), check out their website

[sarafinamable]

thanks. i do have aol IM: hoholms
and email: [email protected]

------------------
"this is life not heaven, you don't have to be perfect."
Gia
"Our love was comfortable and so broken in"
John Mayer
http://www.onemoredrink.moonfruit.com
First Name Basis is a great, little known band (so far), check out their website